Making Room in your Care Cup: Caring for Yourself Means Caring for Others - by Dr Sarah Ford
Let’s take the fact that many parents and carers believe caring for yourself is selfish, and blow it apart. Looking after your own needs is, in fact, selfless. Carer’s/parent’s cups are often full to overflowing with stress, tiredness and to-do lists, which undermines their ability to be the carer/parent they want to, and can be. Making space in your cup to focus on yourself rests and recharges you, with benefits for all.
Caring for yourself means looking after your whole self, which is much more than making time for a bath or a cuppa. The parts that make up the whole can be roughly divided into: social, mind, emotions, body, creativity and spirituality. Tending one part boosts others as they are all connected.
Let’s start with developing and maintaining social connections because a supportive network allows for cup-charging breaks/respite, and can be called upon when you are sick or stretched beyond your capacities. Along with family and friends, there are online forums, such as the private Facebook group Parents and Carers Connect, and local support groups, or a carers group at Crisalida*. There are also apps, such as Gather My crew, with which friends can provide support in times of need. Some that I have used allowed friends to coordinate a meal roster for families with newborns, sick children and bereaved families.
Tend to your mind by noticing your thoughts and attitudes towards yourself and caring\parenting. How we think affects how we feel, and unhelpful/negative thoughts lower our mood and prolong suffering. A common example is the belief that “If I ask for help, people will think I am not coping”. Thoughts like these can create feelings of sadness, anger and resentment. Try noticing if these thoughts pop up, and curiously ask yourself if this thought is wise, true, helpful? Just because we have a thought does not make it any of these.
Caring and parenting involves a lot of tending to other’s emotions, and neglecting your own. Making time to connect with your feelings is fundamental to maintaining your own mental health. This can be as simple as regularly taking ten minutes to be still and check in by, for example, giving your full attention to noticing your feelings (body and mind), or by calling a friend to share a concern. If your own mental health is suffering, seeking professional support is a brave and selfless step towards self-care.
Our bodies crave regular movement, nutritious food and adequate rest/sleep. Research is increasingly showing the importance of these for maintaining mental health. Achieving this does not require large chunks of time, or being alone. Here are a few ideas. Lie on the couch with your headphones on and listen to a 20-minute relaxation recording while little ones sleep or older ones listen to an audiobook. Introduce Sunday morning yoga as a family activity. Plan a healthy meal together and give children responsibility for finding the ingredients at the shops and contributing to cooking.
Creativity puts spark in your cup. Consider what you enjoy but have not been making time for, or if there is something you are itching to try. Everyone is creative, although some of us stopped believing this from a young age perhaps due to criticism, or thinking we are not as good as others. There are many, free online and community-based activities to explore, including those run by local libraries and neighbourhood houses.
Connecting with your spirituality is a personal and varied experience that may or may not be religious. It is about about how we make meaning of our lives, and the greater world. Spirituality may, for example, involve meditation, prayer, rituals, long hugs with loved ones, or being in nature. Explore what resonates with you, feed your soul and power-up your cup.
Below are some links to carer/parent resources:
Carer Gateway: Australian Government portal for a range of information and supports for carers:
https://www.carergateway.gov.au/
Carers Austraila (Vic) (Ph 1800 242 636) offer a carers advisory line and a low-cost counselling service, as well as online suggestions for self care at
https://www.everythingcarers.org.au/resources/carers-victoria-services/
Sane Australia: Self care tips for caring with someone with mental health problems
Family Caregiver Alliance: American organisation offering helpful and detailed tips for self care:
https://www.caregiver.org/taking-care-you-self-care-family-caregivers
*Crisalida is currently looking at starting a Carer’s group. Please email intake@crisalida.com.au if interested in joining.